MandoTom2 - Posted - 12/23/2019:  14:34:53

The Local Jam...



There was a jam going on in town...



There were a couple of guitar players, a banjo player, a fiddle player, a mandolin player and last, but not least, one harmonica man.



They went around the circle several times, each one choosing and leading a tune with the group.



At one point, the mandolin player was leading a tune, but the harmonica player wasn't playing.



The mandolin player asked the fellow what was wrong...



“Oh...” says the harmonica player, “You're playing in F Major and I left my F harp at home”...



“Sorry, partner!”, replied the mandolin player...



“All good...”, replied the harmonica man...



Several songs later, the harmonica guy was leading a tune, but the mandolin player just sat there.



“What's wrong?”, asked the harmonica guy of the mandolin player...



“You're playing your tune in Eb”, responded the mandolin player...



“Oh?” says the harmonica player...



Says the mandolin guy, “I left my Eb mando at home!”...

Tom

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 12/24/2019 17:34:02

Robert - Posted - 12/25/2019:  08:01:21

It reminds me of the time I showed up for a gig with a bluegrass band and the lady who set the gig up presented us with music for a "bluegrass opera in Ab. I tuned my fiddle down a 1/2 step and the banjo player just shot her disapproving looks as most of it was in 6/8.

Merry Christmas, thanks for the humor.

MandoTom2 - Posted - 12/25/2019:  16:43:19

Bluegrass Opera?

Yeow...

I played a gig at the Saint Louis Symphony Music School in University City, MO, literally 10 minutes from the arch in St. Louis.

The lady in charge was 'gagging' one of the upper echelon teachers and wanted me to play "Duelling Banjos"...

I didn't have a guitar player with me, it was just me and one banjo, so I went at it as hard and fast as I could...

As I jumped into the famous tag ending, she YELLS at me, "STOP! I don't like that part!"...

OMG...

I like your story, Bob...

You could write books about the things that happen at gigs...

Tom

MandoTom2 - Posted - 12/25/2019:  17:17:32

Composing and...

A young, American soldier was stationed in Germany...

Bonn, Germany to be specific.

The birthplace of the late, great Beethoven.

One Saturday, while off duty, the soldier decided to visit the cemetery where Beethoven was buried.

He got there, parked his car, got out and started walking down the path to Beethoven's monument...

As the young soldier was reading the inscription on the monument, he heard "scratch, scratch, scratch... scratch, scratch, scratch..." coming from the ground in front of the monument.

"He's alive!" cried the soldier...

He ran back to his car, opened the trunk, got out his latrine shovel, ran back and started digging frantically...

He dug deeper and deeper and deeper...

Finally he hit the wooden box Beethoven was in.

He still heard 'scratch, scratch, scratch" as he was digging...

Finally he used his shovel to pry open the box...

Beethoven was lying there, erasing notes off of one of his manuscripts.

"Beethoven... What are you doing?", inquired the astonished soldier...

"De-composing", responded Ludwig.

MandoTom2, 12/25/2019 

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 12/25/2019 17:23:06

MandoTom2 - Posted - 12/25/2019:  17:24:36

Why are fish and snakes good at music?

Answer:  They know their SCALES!

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 12/25/2019 17:25:57

MandoTom2 - Posted - 12/26/2019:  00:30:30

A farmer came in from the field and was having lunch with his family.

His little girl loved all the animals on the farm.

They had cows and horses, pigs, chickens and the like.

The daughter asked, "Daddy... are there horses in Heaven?"...

"Yes, my dear, there ARE horses in Heaven... and other animals as well", replied her father.

"How can we be sure, daddy?", the girl asked...

"Well... ", says the father, "We KNOW there are cats in Heaven!"...

"Cats, daddy?", responds the daughter...

"Yes cats! Where do you think they get the strings for the harps?"

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 12/26/2019 00:34:03

MandoTom2 - Posted - 12/26/2019:  14:40:03

The Amish-man's wife announced she was going into town for groceries.

"See when when you get back", says the husband and off to his fields he went.

As the wife was going along in her horse and buggy, a cop appears behind her with his lights on.

She stops the carriage and waits.

"Yes, officer?", the Amish woman asks when he gets up to her open window.

"Ma'am, one of the blinkers on your buggy is not functioning."

"I'll have my husband take care of that as soon as I get home, sir."...

"And another thing...", says the officer, "I should cite you right now for animal cruelty!", barked the officer...

"What's the matter?", responds the woman...

"Your reins pass through the front window of your buggy and are wrapped around one of the horse's testicles!... That is DEFINITELY a violation of the law!" cranked the officer.

"I'll have my husband take care of that first, thank you!", replied the woman.

Finally, the Amish woman gets back home and is carrying the groceries back into the house.

Her husband comes in from the field...

"How did it go?", inquires the husband.

"Oh, OK... Sort of...", responds the wife.

'What happened?", asks the husband...

"Well, says the wife... I got pulled over by an officer of the law."...

"He said one of the blinkers on the buggy isn't blinking"...

"OK...", says the husband, "That's easy to fix"... 

"Anything else?"...

"Yes... He said something about the emergency brake"...

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 12/26/2019 14:41:53

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/08/2020:  17:17:35

True story!

A fellow I used to work with at Music Folk, in St. Louis told me this.

It happened to him at... a gig!

........................................................................

Joe was playing a Sunday afternoon, outdoor gig at a party in the nicer part of town.

He got hired to play classical guitar for several hours and it was a beautiful day...

Several hours in, he was playing a longer piece when all of  sudden, he was overcome by the desire to YAWN...

He'd been fighting it back for a while, but the moment finally came.

He could hold it no longer...

He was still playing his piece and let out a big, long yawn...

While his eyes were closed and his mouth was still wide open, a Kamikaze FLY came from out of nowhere flying straight into his mouth and hit the back of his throat with all the force of a speeding fly!

Taken by surprise, he shut his mouth and swallowed.

Jeez!

Hoping no one had noticed but him, he quickly ended the piece and grabbed his bottle of water...

He took a big gulp while privately knowing he had just swallowed a fly!

He takes a short break.

When he returns to his chair and his guitar, he sits down and prepares to play.

It's about 10 minutes AFTER the fly incident.

Suddenly, he belches and dog-gone if the fly doesn't come back up and fly out of his mouth!

Imagine that!

For the rest of the gig, Joe would get tickled at what happened to him while playing a live gig!

It's especially hard to play classical guitar while trying to hold back your own laughter...

Kind of like when someone rips a fart in church...

OMG!

This is the truth according to Joe.

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/08/2020:  17:29:06

A man was sitting in the last pew at church trying not to fall asleep during the homily.

Finally, the preacher made an announcement.

"We're looking for a volunteer to paint the church", says the pastor.

The fellow quickly raises his hand and is chosen for the job.

He's thinking to himself, he can cut the paint with Turpentine and paint his own house also.

What a deal and who's gonna know?

At last, the church is painted and he finishes the job at home.

He goes in for a Sunday afternoon nap.

Suddenly he hears  the crack of light'ning and it begins to rain very hard.

"Holy Cow! The paint is going to run in this kind of weather and everyone will know what I did!" He thinks to himself.

He throws on a robe, goes outside and sure enough, the paint is just starting to run off of his house.

Dang!

He jumps in his car and flies down to the church...

The paint is starting to run on the church also.

 He gets down on his knees and prays out loud...

"Lord, if you can get me out of this one, I swear I'll never do it again!", cries the man.

Suddenly, out of the sky comes a loud voice...

"Re-Paint... And Thin no more!"

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 01/08/2020 17:32:20

MrMasterZac - Posted - 01/08/2020:  20:21:14

My favorite musician joke of all time:

Q:What’s the difference between a pizza and a mandolinist?
A: The pizza can feed a family of 4.

The joke applies surprisingly well to guitarists too.

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/09/2020:  10:52:00

So true!  

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/09/2020:  10:58:26

Q:  The definition of "Optimism?"

A:  A 'Professional' Ukelele player (Waiting for that first phone call!)...

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/09/2020:  13:00:15

T.G.I.F.

It's Friday afternoon after work and this fellow goes over to his friend's house to hang out.

"Whaddaya wanna do?", he asks of his buddy...

"I hear there's a woman over in the next town that will do ANYTHING for $100!", replies the friend...

"$100?, Really?... Let's go!"...

They get to the next town and stop at a gas station to ask directions.

The fellow in the station smiles and tells them, "2 blocks further down the street, take a left, go to the end of that street and look for the house with the RED LIGHT"...

Eagerly, off they go...

They get to the house with the red light, walk up to the door and ring the bell...

Finally, an attractive and well-dressed middle-aged woman opens the door.

"What can I do for you gentlemen?", she inquired of the two...

"Well, ma'am... We hear there's a woman here that will do ANYTHING FOR $100", explains the one.

"Oh, yes!" responds the woman...

"She's in the last room on the left at the end of the hall..."

"But she can only take one of you at a time!", explains the woman...

The guys flip a coin and Bill is first.

Bill goes down the hallway to the last door and knocks quietly.

The door opens and there is a scantily clad and very attractive, young woman standing there...

"Come in and sit on the bed", she says...

"What can I do for you?", she inquires...

"Well..." says Bill, "I hear you'll do ANYTHING FOR $100"...

The young lady thinks about it and responds, "Yes, I WILL do ANYTHING FOR $100"...

"Great!", responds Bill...

"Will you paint my house?" 

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 01/09/2020 13:01:15

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/09/2020:  13:10:21

The little dog...

It was Sunday morning after mass and the parishioners were making their way to and out of the front door of the Catholic church.

Being greeted by the Priest an older woman says to him, "Father... My little dog Fluffy passed away this week"...

"I'm so sorry", responds the priest...

"In his honor, I would like to have a mass said for him", says the older woman...

"Oh, my", responds the priest, "We don't hold services for animals!"...

"I'm willing to donate $5000 to the church for this very special service", replies the woman.

"$5000?", cries the Priest, "Why didn't you SAY he was Catholic?"

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/09/2020:  13:13:45

Q:   What do you call a Gnome that lives in the city?

A:   A "Metro"-Gnome!

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 01/09/2020 13:14:15

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/10/2020:  06:08:38

Too Independent for his own good...

It was a busy Saturday morning as Johnny, the Irishman, tried to find a place to park his car on the local Walmart parking lot.

Nothing...

Back and forth and up and down the aisles he drove.

Exasperated, he finally cried out, "Dear Lard... If you can help me find a spot to park me car, I promise you     I'll lay off the whiskey, stay out of the bars, quit chasing the ladies, clean up my mouth, stop littering and start attending church every Sunday marnin' !"...

Just as the last word came out of his mouth, sure enough, a parking spot opened up right in front of him!

"Oh, never mind, Lard... Aye got it!"...

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 01/10/2020 06:10:16

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/10/2020:  07:09:38

Monroe the Mandolin Picker...

Monroe was a mandolin picker,

To the jams he often would go...

He charted his chords, rhymed all his words,

How fast his fingers could go!

He chopped with the best, never missing a rest...

Til smoke would come from his fingers...

Hot licks would emerge, in even a dirge,

And the legend of Bill still lingers...

Hornpipes and breakdowns, waltzes and strathspeys,

Tablature and playing by ear...

The locals all loved him, held no one above him,

To him they would all raise a beer!

 

Til one night, quite late, he was leaving a jam,

And walking the wooded way, too...

He spied a big bear, who also spied him,

And the chase of his life did ensue!

Bill ran through the creek and across several fields,

With the bear breathing right down his neck!

He ran up a hill, jumped over a log,

Looked behind him, the bear, for to check...

Just at that moment, a tree he did hit,

It knocked him complete-uh-ly out...

And when he awoke, it was these words he spoke,

As the stars spun around and about...

“Where, oh, where did the big bear go?”

“Thought for certain he'd catch up with me!”

“I never ran so hard in all of my life...”

“That is, til I met this tree!”...

He picked himself up, his head being sore,

He stumbled, but steadied his gate...

Thanking the Lord, he did not forget,

He'd almost been by the bear, ate!

He came to his senses and realized at once,

Off in the distance he heard a musical din...

“Could it be?”, Monroe said to himself,

“That bear stole my good mandolin!”...

Now, that is the legend, the story it goes,

We'll never know if it's actually true...

But the words on his stone, speak a somber-ish tone,

From the tombstone and now here to you...

“Listen young fellas, and lasses beware...”

“Of the story I swear is so true...”

“The bear that chased and caught up with me...”

“Is standing right now behind you!”

Tom Arri, 1/10/2020

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 01/10/2020 07:12:11

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/11/2020:  05:53:55

Q:   How do you know a tooth brush was made in Arkansas?

A:    If it were made anywhere else, it would be called a TEETH brush!  

*I heard this joke first at Doug Thomas's BOGO sandwich shop in Farmington, MO, in 2015.

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 01/11/2020 05:54:30

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/11/2020:  16:20:12

Q:   What would you call Napoleon AFTER he caught the cannon ball?

A:   Blown-Apart!

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/17/2020:  10:38:26

Mandolin Player A:   "You MUST be full of music!"...

Mandolin Player B:   "How's that?"...

Mandolin Player A:   "None of it ever comes out!"... 

Learned this from Walter Burns, Guitar Instructor at Mel Bay Music in Kirkwood, MO, back in the mid-eighties...

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/19/2020:  08:30:59

3-Legged Chickens!

A fellow is driving down the road when something smaller pulls up along side of him.

He looks over and down and darned, if it ain't a chicken running along side his car about 35 miles per hour!

Just as he's looking, the chicken steps on it, passes the car and continues to pull ahead.

As the chicken goes by, it appears to the man that this chicken has 3 legs...

The man, being curious now, steps on it also and starts to catch up with the chicken.

They're now doing about 60 miles per hour!

The chicken steps on it one more time and leaves the man and his car in the dust...

Jeez!

The chicken is now doing about 80 m.p.h and darts off down a side road and disappears...

The man follows and sees the chicken tear off into a field near a barn.

The man slows down, makes the turn by the barn and stops to talk to the farmer who's standing there.

"Say..", says the fellow in the car, "Did you see a chicken come this way?"...

"Yes, I did...", replies the farmer...

"Did he have 3 legs?", asks the man...

"Yes, he did. I raise 'em with 3 legs", responds the farmer...

"I don't get it", the man scratches his head...

"Well, ma likes a drum stick, I like a drum stick and Junior... well, he likes a drum stick too..."

"It's convenient to have a chicken with 3 legs... only have to kill one chicken for dinner!", states the farmer...

"Well, I'll be..." replies the man...

"How do they taste?", he asks...

"I don't know", says the farmer, "We haven't been able to catch one yet!"...

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 01/19/2020 08:33:23

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/19/2020:  08:46:28

I Really Like the Chicken – 2018

I really like the chicken...

Funny as can be...

Out there in the barn yard...

Or on a plate in front of me...

Now people say you're a chicken...

If you run away...

But that chicken must be pretty smart...

He'll live to see another day...

Now grandma killed a chicken...

And fried it in a pan...

That was the best darned chicken...

To ever fill a man!

Now, Mister old MacDonald...

He had some chickens too...

He sold 'em at the auction house...

For a buck or two...

So buy you up some chickens...

Build you a chicken coop...

Now for the rest of your live long life...

You'll be eating chicken soup!

Cluck, cluck, cluck... cluck, cluck, cluck...

Is what them chickens say...

I'll have me a chicken pot pie...

At the end of my work day...

It's chicken this and chicken that...

Chicken all day long...

The good Lord, He made chickens...

And put 'em in my song...

So, pick you up a guitar...

And a banjo too...

“Cluck Old Hen” and “Chicken Reel”...

Works on a fiddle too!

Now, I'm a runnin' out of paper...

No more ink in this here pen...

I'm gonna claw my way to the top of the world...

And cluck about chick-en!

(End)

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/19/2020:  08:59:38

Mandolin Player A: "I like your sense of humor... you're quite funny, BUT..."



Mandolin Player B: "But what?"



Mandolin Player A: "Looks aren't EVERYTHING!"...

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/21/2020:  10:38:11

Mandolin Player to the Old Farmer,  "Where does this road go?"...

Old Farmer to the Mandolin Player,   "It don't go nowhere"...

Mandolin Player to the Old Farmer,  "How can that be?"

Old Farmer to the Mandolin Player, "It's been uh-settin' right here as long as I can remember"...

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 01/21/2020 10:39:18

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/21/2020:  21:14:47

Automotive Repair Manager to the Mandolin Player:  "May we rotate your tires?"

Mandolin Player to the Manager:  "No need to rotate my tires, sir"...

Manager to Mandolin Player: "How's that?"

Mandolin Player to Automotive Manager:  "They ROTATE EVERY TIME I DRIVE!"...  

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/22/2020:  08:33:37

Is There A Doctor in the House?

The phone rings...

Our mandolin player picks up the phone, "Hello?"

DOC:   "It's your doctor"...

Mandolin Player:  "Hey, Doc... What's up?"

DOC:  "I've got good news and Bad news"...

Mandolin Player:  "Well, give me the good news first!"

DOC:  "You've got 24 hours to live"...

Mandolin Player:  "24 hours... Holy Cow... What's the Bad News?"

DOC:  "I've been trying to get a hold of you since yesterday!"...

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 01/22/2020 08:34:50

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/23/2020:  18:52:33

RIDDLE:  "How do you STOP a mandolin player from playing?"

ANSWER:  "Put sheet music on front of him!"...      

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 01/23/2020 18:53:45

MandoTom2 - Posted - 01/29/2020:  09:55:54

A young man is walking through the church towards the office where his father is the Pastor...

"Hey, Dad!", greets the son...

"Can I borrow the keys to the family car this weekend?", he inquires...

"Let me think about that, son", responds the father...

"Your mother tells me you haven't been keeping up with your chores here lately", recalls the father...

"And your math and English grades have slipped also"...

"Mmmm", responds the son...

"And lastly, you need to get your hair trimmed... As the pastor's son, you need to look more presentable", scolds the father.

"Oh, OK, dad... I'll work on it", says the son...

Several weeks later, the boy re-approaches his father...

"Dad?", asks the son, "Can I borrow the car keys this weekend?"...

"You mother tells me you've been getting your chores done with her having to bug you about, so that is a major improvement", say the father...

"And I see your grades have come up, too", responds the father...

"But you haven't done ANYTHING about your hair, young man!"

"Aw dad... Jesus had long hair... Moses had long hair and what about Sampson? He had long hair too!", replies the son.

"Yes, son, you're right... all three of those guys DID have long hair", remembers the father...

"And they WALKED everywhere they went!"... 

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 01/29/2020 09:56:42

MandoTom2 - Posted - 02/14/2020:  13:19:58

MandoTom:   After all these years, I FINALLY got a recording contract!

BanjoBill:  Really?   Congratulations!

MandoTom:   Yeah!  If I buy 1 CD at regular club prices, I get 12 more for FREE!  

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 02/14/2020 13:32:16

MandoTom2 - Posted - 02/23/2020:  06:29:28

Mando Player #1:   Did you hear about the guy who got shot 200 times with an 'Upholstery Gun?'

Mando Player #2:   No! Is he OK?

Mando Player #1:   Yes, I hear he is "fully recovered" now! 

MandoTom2 - Posted - 02/24/2020:  10:01:35

Mando Player A:   "What do you call 'dating', after age 65?"...

Mando Player B:  "I don't know, what?"...

Mando Player A:  "Carbon 14!"...

MandoTom2 - Posted - 03/01/2020:  23:47:47

Standing in the field, one cow says to the other,

"Our very lives are at steak!"...

3/2/2020, MandoTom2

Edited by - MandoTom2 on 03/01/2020 23:48:45

MandoTom2 - Posted - 03/04/2020:  15:13:35

The difference between a VIOLIN and a FIDDLE?

On a VIOLIN, you put 'strings'...

On a FIDDLE, you put 'STRANGS!'...

MandoTom2, 3/4/2020

MandoTom2 - Posted - 03/07/2020:  12:23:04

What do you call a female moth?

Answer: A myth!